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EPISKOPI HASH HOUSE HARRIERS CYPRUS

(One Of The Last Gentlemen Only Hashes in The World)

Tales From The Crit'

"Mad dogs and Englishmen go out in the midday sun,

The Japanese don´t care to, the Chinese wouldn´t dare to,

Hindus and Argentines sleep firmly from twelve to one

But Englishmen detest-a siesta.

In the Philippines they have lovely screens to protect you from the glare.

In the Malay States, there are hats like plates which the Britishers won't wear.

At twelve noon the natives swoon and no further work is done,

But mad dogs and Englishmen go out in the midday sun."

If you substitute Epi Hashers for Englishmen it about sums us up today doesn’t it? 39C on my weather station when I left home.

I promise to try and keep the crit short so more beer can be consumed especially by me.

The Hares Today on Run 2813 The Stars and Stripes Run

Pat Chapman: Runs: 428 Hares: 54  Av:8

Jim Burke: Runs:1037   Hares:155  Av:7

George Trotter: Runs: 122  Hares: 12     Av.12

Number of runners:22

Returning Hashers: Ben Cooper, Marshall

Hughes, Mike Woods.

Today’s Run

Web Site Info : Wow a blind man could have followed those directions so even an Epi hasher probably stood a chance but maybe not

The R.V. :As an airline man it is nice to be alongside the outer marker for the ILS at Paphos Airport . the lack of aircraft noise is because like hashers many pilots are short cutting bastards and join the ILS at the middle marker and thank god for this lonesome tree.

Things for the good of the Hash?

A couple of awards, so firstly

Aubrey O Callaghan has successfully navigated his way to, and has now rounded the first marker on his hopefully long voyage onboard the Epi Hash by achieving 100 runs

and Pat Chapman leaves us today after 15 years of hashing to move to East Anglia where, when the East wind blows, he will be able to smell Moscow rather than Mike Hillyer’s grass cuttings.

Pat’s first hare was on 5th of March 2003 with Pat Moore and John Telford up in Souni. It was supposed to be a 45 minute run with  5 checks . From the crit in Inside Angle it seems that the three hares, at each check,  laid so many falsies that quite quickly the run became chaotic  with hashers wandering about  trying to find any sign of the real trail and several voting with their feet and returning to the RV . However even as a virgin Hare Pat knew which side his bread was buttered, for at check 6 , yes I know they said 5 checks but it was that type of run, the hashers again searched without success until miraculously a Welsh voice was heard above the rest. The On Pres one Mike “Bollo” Ball had picked up a check and, I’m sure quite coincidently, standing right alongside him was a certain virgin hare Pat Chapman saving he and his fellow hares from the piss pot. They returned to the RV to find a party of Property Developers in the location measuring out plots of land and in fact the hash never returned to that RV which is now an housing estate.

Pat, as a Hare, did, over the years, develop a laconic style of describing what were some fairly petrifying  trails that  he had laid.  I have some  examples given to me by the few survivors of those Royal Marine  runs.

"When between checks 3 and 4, if you must trip and fall ensure you dive left. On the right is a 200 foot drop which will result in death and much embarrassment to the Hash."

"When between checks 3 and 4 ensure you always maintain 3 points of contact with the rock face, if you don't then you may die".

" Between checks 3 and 4 there is a minor obstacle involving a rockface. Assistance for the infirm will be provided.” When the Hashers arrived at the said rock face  the assistance turned out to be  a rope hanging down from the ledge above which they could  climb up. !

"Between checks 3 and 4 there is a small obstacle in the form of an expanse of water. Hashers should remove socks and shoes and place them in the boxes provided before entering the water to swim across to the other side. Hashers unable to swim that distance will unfortunately drown and next of kin will be notified."

Gentlemen of The Epi Hash please raise your glasses and the toast is Pat Chapman let him find a hill in East Anglia to climb.

Sport: Henley Royal Regatta finished on Sunday. The Americans entered 60 crews and left with no silverware at all which is always satisfying especially on July 4th ! Unfortunately the German National eight gave the British National eight a lesson in rowing but the British four repaid the gesture by trouncing the Italian four that had beaten them by 4 lengths just 3 weeks before .

Nothing much else of any consequence happened last weekend oh The British and Irish Lions beat the All Blacks ,well 14 of them. There is I understand no truth in the rumour that Sony Boy Williams will be getting a knighthood in the Queens honours list .

Andy Murray completed his warm up for Wimbledon by playing no tennis at all and then announced he was ready. Djokovic sampled the sea air in Eastbourne for the first and having been to Eastbourne myself several times I’m sure last time, and on Day 1 of Wimbledon British hope or is that hopeless Laura Robson earned £35,000 for just 67 minutes of tennis before being knocked out of the competition .  

Next Week’s run : Souni (Again)

Hares:  Mike Hillyer, Mike Woods and Brian Lidell

Chop:  Lenia’s ,gosh it seems like only a week ago since we were there doesn’t it. My god it is just a week ago

It is American Independence Day today the day Britain lost it’s 13 colonies in the new world and the seeds were sown for the French Revolution. However rather than talk about the failings of the British General Lord Howe which would fill several books and on such a hot day I thought I’d jump straight to :

and Finally

There is no doubt American English now rules the world and as Brits we surely have mixed feelings about it. English is our language and along with football, rugby, cricket , croquet , golf, ferret legging, shin kicking and underwater hockey it is what  we might be remembered for . Mind you many words we use happily today thinking them to be British words came from across the pond. Belittle came with Thomas Jefferson when he address parliament with his No taxation without representation speech. The Times thundered “ shame on you Mr Jefferson, belittle, what an expression. “ Reliable” is another when we used to use trustworthy, so is “call it a day” “easy money”, “on the level” and of course “wise guy”. . Another load of words came with the yanks in the first world war, “cakewalk”, “give the game away”, “to railroad”, “sex appeal” , “gangster”, “down and out”  and “to not give a hoot”.  In the 1960’s we got “back off” , “spin off” and “blue collar”.

However, personally, I “draw the line” , yes another Americanism , at the use of American words that have no meaning outside of America like “a ball park figure” , “Monday morning quarterbacking” and “stepping up to the plate” all heard on the BBC during  election night alone. 

At least we haven't sunk to zee instead of zed yet.

In 1977 at one in the morning Geraldine and I left a bar called the Hawke and Dove on Capitol Hill in Washington D.C.  a little socially confused after a day of drinking. We had been given careful  instructions on how to find Route 50 which would get us home to Annapolis, Maryland where we lived.  Both of us promptly forgot them and we found ourselves driving in the black area south of 10th street when a cop car stopped us. The cop holstered his gun and the other cop broke his shotgun which he had aimed through the rear window when he heard my British accent ( 90% of D.C. cops are shot by motorists at night) but asked me to walk the yellow line in the middle of the road. This test I failed miserably and Geraldine was unable to get out of the car let alone walk a line.  Okay said the cop say the alphabet backwards. I think I would have had trouble saying it forwards but started off  bravely Zed. What he asked zed I replied . Your wrong its Zee no I argued in English it is zed . Where the hell have you been to get so drunk he asked. I didn’t think the Hawke and Dove carried much weight but luckily remembered that in my in tray that day had arrived an invite to the Queens Birthday party at the British Embassy. Celebrating the Queen of England’s birthday I slurred and I swear you not, both cops saluted. Where are you trying to get to he asked ? Route 50 I replied . Okay I’ll tell you what follow us and when I flash the lights turn left and it will take you onto 50. So in convoy we drove out of the black area. I turned to Geraldine and asked what instructions he had given us but neither of us could remember so when he flashed we continued to follow him. We all stopped again and the cop returned to my window. Your not making this easy mac . We are going  to turn around and when I flash turn right if you don't I’m taking you in and for Christ sake please drive carefully on Route 50.

By now I was sobering up and on the return when he flashed his lights I turned right and lived to drive another day

On On The Hash

 

 

Tales from 2012

The Hares Today on Run 2812

Aubrey O’Callaghan:  Runs:99  Hares:12   Av:8

Mike Blocki: 

Runs:163   Ha

res:25  Av:6

Laurie Mitchell: Runs:731   Hares:87      Av.8

Number of runners: 18

Today’s Run

Web Site Info : Clear instructions and the signage good. Most impressed that having cut thru Radio Sonde there was a sign to bring us into the RV

R.V. Itself :At least there’s a tree is the best I can say

Run Crit: By Jim Burke

Walk Crit: By Jimmy Carroll

Things for the good of the Hash?

As you can see I am modelling the new Hash hat   yours for only €12. We now have ladies polo shirts in various colours and sizes for €14. A Hare running shirt that wicks for €12   and new Hare T shirt will follow soon. Ship2 Shore are now working on sweatshirts for the winter but anything else hashers want can be organised. Ship2Shore can also put the Hash logo on any item of clothing you might want for a fee of €2, just pop in to the store at Limassol Marina .

Sport: Well some weekends are just best forgotten . The British and Irish Lions got a thumping  lesson in fast ball, though to be fair their own try was fantastic.

Scotland lost to Fiji 22-27 and though Wales beat Samoa 17-19  to put that win in context this was the Somoan side that were recently beaten 78-0 by the All Blacks

Sebastian Vettel decided to  have the F1 equivalent of a bar room brawl with Lewis Hamilton,

England 20/20 having snatch defeat from the jaws of victory in the second game won the series on Sunday despite Willey attempting to hand it to South Africa with his final few overs and Rory McIroy spent the first three days of The Travelers tourney angrily tweeting fans who claimed he looked bored playing golf these days telling them they were wrong, not about him being bored, but in under estimating his wealth, he says it’s  $200 Million if your interested.

and finally for the good of the hash plans for August but first some verse with apologies to young Will Shakespeare  :

“We few, we happy few, we band of brothers

for he that runs with us in August shall be our brother,

and epi hashers away this August time,

shall think themselves accurs'd they were not here,

 and hold their manhoods cheap, whiles any speak that ran with us this August.”

You might be wondering why Mike Hillyer hasn’t been sniffing around you like a rutting buck  asking if you can hare in August.

That’s because I’m introducing a new system for that month only. It seems somewhat daft that 3 hares lay a trail for 8-12 other hashers to run around . However nor should the 10-15 hashers left on Island be deprived of their Tuesday exercise, beers and chop .

Instead it seemed easier to use a few hashers who know an area really well to lay a 40 min trail, whilst they would normally be out walking there anyway. Those of you now looking at your feet dreading an appeal for volunteers to come forward can look up again. I have already filled every Tuesday for the month. So when the run list goes up you will see but one name as hare . Our flour trail allows us to show the angles to be explored for the On On and to indicate a holding check for, in my case, the hare to catch up. This is an experiment and we can tinker with it as we go on and decide at the end if it worked or not. Normal service will be resumed at the end of August so expect the rutting Hillyer to come down your burrow and sniff you out..

Next Week’s run :Pissouri

Hares: Jim Burke, Pat Chapman, George Trotter

Chop:  Platea

And so to this weeks true tale at  the Crit

In 1831 Edgar Allen Poe penned his famous poem called  To Helen and thousands of schoolboys like me have, over the years, had to sit and learnt it by heart . I still remember the first verse,

Helen thy beauty is to me,

Like those Nicean barks of yore

That gently o’er the perfumed sea,

the weary, way worn, wanderer bore,

To his own native shore

Poe was, of course, writing about Helen of Troy the most beautiful woman in  Ancient  Greece . You all know the story and the brilliant wheeze the Greeks came up with The Trojan Horse ; which, as an aside, gave us the expression Beware of Greeks bearing gifts. An expression that many many Brits should probably  have borne in mind when they first decided to move to Cyprus rather than leaving their brains on the tarmac at Gatwick.

The idea of the Trojan Horse as a way of getting troops into an enemy stronghold has interested military commanders ever since.

On this day June 27th 1976 Air France flight 139 , departed from Tel Aviv, Israel, carrying 246  passengers and a crew of 12. The plane flew to Athens, where it picked up an additional 58 passengers, . It departed for Paris at 12:30 pm.

 Just after takeoff, the flight was hijacked by two Palestinians from the Popular Front for the Liberation of Palestine , and  two Germans from the German Revolutionary Cell who had boarded in Athens. The hijackers diverted the flight first to Benghazi, and then to Entebbe where Idi Amin welcomed the plane  on June 28th.

There the hijackers issued  their demands: In addition to a ransom of $5 million  for the release of the airplane, they demanded the release of 53 Palestinian and Pro-Palestinian militants, 40 of whom were prisoners in Israel. They threatened that if these demands were not met, they would begin to kill hostages . Negotiators secured a steady release of passengers until by July 3rd,  84 Israeli passengers, 10 French passengers who despite their French passports proudly declared their Jewish heritage    and the 12 Air France crew remained in The old Terminal building at Entebbe.

However when the hijackers refused to meet with Yassar Arafat the leader of the PLO to negotiate the release of the Israeli passengers they decided on military action.

Mossad Interviewed the released passengers in Paris and obtained a clear picture of the numbers of hijackers, their weaponry and most importantly the numbers and positions of the Ugandan troops that surrounded the outside of the terminal building.

Luckily an Israeli firm had built the Terminal so Israeli commandos  practised on a replica quickly  built in Tel Aviv  .

However the big problem was how to get the  Israeli commandos  past the cordon of Ugandan troops and into the terminal to kill the hijackers. We need a Trojan Horse quipped one of the commandos . Brilliant said the commander but who would be able to pass through the cordon without question ? I know said the Mossad man  and a plan was hatched.

On July 4th taking off from Sharm el-Sheikh, the task force of 100 personnel  flew along the international flight path over the Red Sea, mostly flying at a height of no more than 100 ft to avoid radar detection. Near the south outlet of the Red Sea the 4 Hercules C-130s turned south and passed south of Djibouti. From there, they entered Ugandan air space.

With their cargo doors already open the C130s landed at Entebbe. From the first came the exact replica of Idi Amin’s black Mercedes and replicas of the two trucks that always accompanied him. 29 commandos got in the car and trucks and set off to the terminal building while the remaining forces secured the airfield , placed a cordon around the C130s and went off to blow up Idi Amin’s entire Air Force of 11 MIG fighters to prevent them following the task force.

The car and trucks passed through the cordon unopposed, The Trojan Horse had worked again.

The commandos  entered the terminal building  yelling in Hebrew and English for the hostages to lie down. Three didn’t and were shot dead. 25 minutes later the hijackers were all dead and the the hostages were out on the tarmac running for the waiting aircraft. Ugandan troops in the control tower opened fire wounding 5 commandos and killing the Israeli unit commander Jonathan Netanyahu the elder brother of the present Prime Minister of Israel.

The Israelis returned fire killing 45 Ugandan troops .

50 minutes after touching down the task force was back in the air with 102 rescued hostages and heading to Israel leaving Idi Amin his own Trojan Horse on the tarmac.

and Finally

Aubrey was telling me of problems when arriving in Sardinia on his yacht.

He said once in the crowded bay he was going back and forth through the anchorage, searching for a place to drop the hook before dark. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me.   If you find me a good spot, I will donate to the Hash charity, buy the brandy at every chop, lay flour trails happily and never mention trash again, declare my worldwide income to the Cyprus tax authorities, and never again give my crew all of the blame and none of the glory when sailing!"

Miraculously, the yacht with the best spot in the bay began pulling up anchor to leave.

Aubrey  looked up again and said, "Never mind God, I’ve found one myself."

On On The Hash

 

Tales from 2011

 

 

 

 

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Tales from 2010
 

The Hares Today on Run 2810

Jim Burke:  Runs:1034      Hares:154   Av:7

Peter Hogg Runs:636      Hates:85   AV:7

Tina Burke: Runs: countless       Hares:aplenty      Av. an infinite number

 Number of runners: 28

 Today’s Run

 Web Site Info : Clear directions anyone could have found it and everyone did

 R.V. Itself : Bloody marvellous, the only decent tree in 20 sq Kilometres , you can see the sea and the motorway almost, and the wind machine over the road is  an inspiration.

 Things for the good of the Hash?

Just a couple of things now I have the wives here as you remember things whilst on Tuesdays I know I might as well be talking to the wind, and after several  Keos there is certainly  plenty of that about.

 As many of you will have seen today we are laying with flour on the runs. We were asking for 1 1/2 Litre bottles but no longer. What we would like is just the milk bottle tops so  imagine please I am Valerie Singleton and you are 8 years old and collect some milk bottle tops please just like you did for Blue Peter. Actually as an aside  Stephen Fry   when asked to describe the difference between Valerie and the Queen by a foreigner, said  "One is a remote, godlike, autocratic woman endowed with powerful charismatic charm and the other is a constitutional monarch recently played on screen by Helen Mirren."

 The other notice for you ladies  is that  Jimmy Carroll has lost all control of his senses and decided to invite hash members and their families to join him and his own family on his Latchi boat trip  on July 7th so anyone interested please get your name down before Heather hears he has gone nuts and stops him filling the boat with us drunkards.

 Your erstwhile committee moved this run  from the actual Fathers Day on  Sunday to today after a few beers at the end of a joint masters meeting. For the life of us we now can’t remember why, so welcome to Fathers Day minus 2 days !

 Some facts for Father’s Day

There are 1.5 billion fathers in the world and the world record for having the most number of children officially recorded is 69 by the first wife of Feodor Vassilyve, of Moscow. His first wife gave birth to 16 pairs of twins, seven sets of triplets and four sets of quadruplets. Dinnertimes must have been hectic!

 In the UK 7 million Fathers Day cards will be sold this year compared to 13 million Mothers Day and the average spend on Fathers Day presents guys is 40% less than on Mothers.

 In Thailand, where lots of single Epi Hashers find solace each year playing with Thai girls oh sorry I read that wrong it should be playing golf with Thai girl caddies,  the King's Birthday also serves as National Father's Day. The celebration includes fireworks and acts of charity and honour "“ the most distinct being the donation of blood and the liberation of captive animals. Sound a bundle of fun doesn’t it.

 However in contrast in Germany, Father’s Day, or Vatertag, is a federal holiday celebrated on  Ascension Day. Men in Germany traditionally celebrate by pulling wagons loaded with beer and liquor into the woods and getting completely and utterly wasted. These days many can’t be bothered to drag a cart about and just hit the bars and beer halls on a mammoth all day  pub crawl. They are then welcomed home by their wives and put to bed.  Sounds like a typical Tuesday to me.

 A recent poll of the off spring of fathers in the USA found these are the top 5 things they reckon they will  never hear  their  father say :

 5. Well, how ‘bout that? I’m lost! Looks like we’ll have to stop and ask for directions.

 4.Can you turn up that music?

 3.  Here’s the remote

 2. Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend. You might want to consider throwing a party.

 And number one

I LOVE your tattoo.

 Today is June 16th and my true tale at the Crit today concerns an event that potentially changed the course of WW2 and because without women there would be no fathers  it is about a woman.

In 1918 in Oxford,  CT.  a couple of Russian migrants who had escaped the Bolshevik  revolution  gave birth to a daughter and named her Adeline. They had already much simplified their surname to Gray. Adeline went through the Oxford town education system and in 1929 went to High school there. She is remembered in the year book as a quiet, shy girl but with an adventurous streak. Her mother recalled that the family never kept an umbrella longer than a week as Adeline loved to jump off high walls and garage roofs holding the umbrella. In 1933 she and a friend went to the local movie house to see the new movie Flying Down to Rio, a movie now famous mainly for being the first film to feature the pairing of Fred Astaire with Ginger Rodgers though they were not the stars.

For those of you unfortunate enough not to have seen the film , and it’s well worth a view, the opening sequence has Fred Astaire dancing and singing on the roof of The Copacabana Palace hotel while Ginger Rodgers is overhead sitting  atop of the fuselage of a bi-plane directing a barnstorming aerial show featuring aircraft with wings loaded with attractive girls, wing walkers, and trapeze artists performing death defying feats beneath the aircraft  while parachutists free fall towards the sea. In an instance Adeline knew what she wanted to do with her life and in 1935 at 17 she graduated High School and bought a one way train ticket to Daytona Beach Florida.

She joined The Flying Aces Air Circus led by the legendary  Jessie Woods as a wing walker. Soon this shy girl from Oxford CT. was featured climbing from a speeding car on Daytona Beach going up a ladder and clambering into the front cockpit of a low flying bi-plane. Then she would  tumble out, seemingly to her death, as the plane looped the loop. However she had quickly slipped on a parachute in the cockpit and opened it to float back to the beach while the once shocked crowd now cheered her bravery . However in 1938 the Federal Aviation Act was passed in to law. It  imposed severe restrictions on low flying and required everyone to wear a parachute whilst outside an aircraft in the air . This effectively ended barnstorming for good and The Flying Aces folded.

 Adeline had made enough money to buy her own aircraft and moved to Lancaster PA. to open a parachute training school. Two years later she moved back to Oxford CT to get married and got a job at The Pioneer Parachute company in nearby Manchester whilst still teaching parachute jumping at weekends. It was the Autumn  of 1941 America was at peace but that changed on Dec. 7th when the Japanese attacked Pearl Harbour. Now it is important to remember that all parachutes then were  made of silk and 80% of the worlds silk came from Japan and China. The remaining 20% came from countries in the Far East . Japan had already invaded China and quickly seized the countries of the Far East too.

 The Allies were now cut off from their supply of raw silk but they needed thousands and thousands of parachutes for the airman fighting in Europe and the Pacific and indeed by 1942  knew they  also needed them for the largest airborne landings ever undertaken, those  on D Day 1944.

As the supply of silk began to dwindle to nothing The Pioneer Parachute Company started to test new man made synthetics and landed on nylon as a possible parachute material.  Nylon has excellent wind resistance, good elasticity, is, unlike silk, mildew resistant, and is also lightweight and dries quickly. They tested it in wind tunnels, they threw dummies out of aircraft with the new material as a parachute but the U.S. military insisted on a human test as final proof. So on June 16th 1942 at Hartford Airfield CT.  the 24 year old Adeline Gray stepped out of the front cockpit of a bi-plane as the aircraft circled at 2,500 feet. She calmly walked out onto the wing, reached the end and jumped off with the new nylon parachute on her back. On the ground 50 representatives of the military watched through binoculars. The parachute opened and she floated gently down to the ground.

The Allies had a replacement for the silk parachute ensuring the supply to the Allied airman throughout the world and making possible  the largest ever airborne assault on the European mainland on D day  and the once shy local girl Adeline Gray was an instant an international heroine.

 

and Finally

 Last year on Fathers Day my son and daughter  sent me a cheque for £100 and said Dad  buy yourself something that makes your life easier.

So I went out and bought my wife Geraldine a present.

 On On The Hash

 

 

Tales from 2809

Todays run was 4.8 kms in length with 94 metres of accent and therefore decent.  we used 278 calories approx which translates into about a can and a half of beer.

The Hares Today on Run 2809

Dave Norris:  Runs:1092      Hares:176   Av:6

Simon Marsh:A guest Hare

Doug Clarke: Runs: 222      Hares:20      Av.11

Number of runners: 24

Returning Hashers:Mac MacManus and Aubrey O’Callahan

Guests:Simon Marsh

 Today’s Run

 Web Site Info :Thanks to the Club Aphrodite advertising budget this was an easy RV to find.

 R.V. Itself : Not often we have an RV with music,  a swimming pool ,showers and loos plus we are at the home of the beer store so I guess close to paradise for hashers.

Things for the good of the Hash?

Fathers Day Run this Friday at Radio Sonde, details on the website with the menu. Let Hash Cash know today your food choices or E Mail Jim Burke by tomorrow night. Could I ask those attending to put the tables they bring together with others to make the event a real social get together.

The Trail Blazing Flour Company no longer requires bottles as we have enough but does need milk bottle tops so we can give hares a supply of tops with holes in on each run. So have your better halves please start collecting milk bottle tops. I sound like John Nettles on Blue Peter don’t I.

July 4th U.S. Independence Day falls on a Tuesday this year so we will have a Stars and Stripes Run that day. Please wear something American, sport a U.S. flag or dress up as a cowboy or an Indian (Feather not spot) though these days there are more spots than feathers in the U.S. I would imagine.

Jimmy Carroll has kindly thrown open an invitation for any hashers to join him and his family and friends on a  Latchi boat trip on Friday July 7th . The official Latchi trip as part of our 50th year will be in September but if your like me and can’t get enough of these trips please let Jimmy know if you want to attend as places are limited.He also has details of approximate  pricing.

Last Weekend was a grand feast of sport. Louis Hamilton cruised home in The Canadian Grand Prix, The British and Irish Lions shook off their somnolence and beat the previously unbeaten Crusaders. This was the first time Crusaders had been kept tryless in two seasons, only the third time in 315 games they had registered so few points.

The England One Day side thrashed the old enemy Australia and sent them home early in the 50 over international cricket,

England beat the at full strength Pumas 38-34 whilst fielding 10 uncapped players the most for 61years including  Tim Curry the youngest England starter for 91years ,

Scotland beat Italy 34-13 in Singapore  ,

Ireland beat the USA 55-19, and at Hampden Park, apart from an exciting final 4 mins, the England soccer team showed us why they will not be causing too many teams sleepless nights  in Russia in 2018.

But the real excitement was in that great sporting arena called Westminster where the Vicar’s daughter single handedly managed to convince 40% of the voters that Jeremy Corbyn was a better bet than she was and Mrs MacFish had her rather pert bottom spanked by the Scottish electorate.

But if like me you find career politicians boring  here are some interesting QI facts to take your mind of politics

The average woman in Britain will spend £100,000 on make up in her lifetime

Swindon has the lowest demand for viagra of any town in the UK

Cows eat only grass but have 25,000 taste buds  twice the number we humans have.

A barnacle’s penis can be up to 20 times the length of its body.

There are no moles in Ireland ( Jimmy Carroll might not agree with that but I think this means the furry kind)

and finally of interest to hashers, sitting on the loo for 8 hours uses as many calories as jogging for one hour.

Rather than a true story today, I thought I’d reach for the other string to my bow and do a couple of naval sayings that have become part of everyday language.

Just like today, warships of the past needed discipline to be effective instruments of war . But let’s not get confused between Discipline which in Naval terms was a code of conduct for the efficient running of a ship and punishment which is the term for what was handed out to miscreants who had broken the rules. It is no surprise that a number of slang terms used ashore relate to punishments common in the age of sail.

In the Royal Navy the way a Captain could run his ship was outlined in the Articles of War and in Nelson’s time there were 36 articles loosely divided into four categories ;1) cowardice in the face of the enemy for which the punishment was always death,2) Offences against King and country such as espionage or dereliction  of duty again offenders faced death 3) for murder, assault or theft offenders normally faced death or severe punishment and 4) all other more minor offences such as blasphemy or say pissing out of the top gallants for which the punishment was lashes, and in case your interested it was 12 for pissing down onto the the main deck from up on high.

Thieving however which is one of the worst crimes on a ship was 350 lashes ensuring death before the end of the punishment.

And so to the phrase for today “over a barrel” . To have someone over a barrel is to have them at a disadvantage,  for instance from the press today Senior Tories were able to remove Mrs May’s closest advisors as they had her over a barrel after her disastrous election campaign.

Most people immediately think of a wooden barrel or cask but the phrase in the Royal Navy referred to a gun barrel . This method of punishment was also know as kissing  the gunner’s daughter, the daughter being the actual cannon barrel. This  punishment was normally reserved for midshipmen offenders and the device used was a cane or flat side of a sword not the cat of nine tails .

 The second is the word Posh: Something posh is elegant, stylish or luxurious; in Britain it also means somebody or something typical of the upper classes or according to Trevor that’s me !!

The best known and most widely believed story is that it comes from old-time ship travel from Britain to India on the packet boats run by the Peninsular and Oriental Steamship Company. As an aside when I joined The P&O I was clearly told their were three navies serving Britain, The P&O, The Grey Funnel Line meaning the Royal Navy and The Merchant navy in that order.

The word posh  supposedly stood for “Port Out, Starboard Home”. It is explained that somebody who had a cabin on the port side on the outward trip from Britain, and on the starboard side on the return trip from The Far East, had the benefit of shelter from the sun, on the hottest parts of the journey as the sun never comes above the Tropic of Cancer. Such cabins were reserved for the most wealthy passengers, we are told, and the P&O company stamped their tickets with the initials P.O.S.H.

The trouble is there’s absolutely no evidence for it, as no such ticket has ever been found and the P&O flatly denies any such term existed. It’s just a legend, though a very persistent one.

The most probable solution — though unprovable because slang is so rarely written down — is that it comes from London street slang for money. This may well derive from gypsies who called a halfpenny a  posh half, and then started to call  any small sum of money a posh, and then finally used it describe money in general. This is recorded from as early as 1830. Londoners started using the word and the word soon moved on to describe people with money or class or both  .So there you have it ,  a word everyone thinks has a nautical heritage but doesn’t.

 On On The Hash

 

 

 

Tales from 2808

 

In sport the British and Irish lions seemingly sleep walked past a very average New Zealand Ba Bas team, and indeed Warren Gatland confirmed over half the lions were on sleeping tablets to handle jet lag.

In cricket England overcame the might of Bangladesh to become according to the press firm favourites and in soccer Real Madrid thumped Juventus and in doing so showed how far Premiership teams have to go to ever raise that cup again.

but  50 years ago this week the Beatles released Sgt. Pepper and the magical Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds. So if sport and the fact that you might wake up on Friday with Jeremy Corbin as Prime Minister depress you,  just go back and think of yourself on a boat on a river and let the trees be tangerine and the skies marmalade and if people want to know what’s for dinner tell them we’ve got marshmallow pies.

Several  of you, I guess  because of my  years with British Airways, have asked what I think about the BA computer melt down over the Half term weekend and so I thought I would just share my views on the fiasco  .

From my early managerial career with BA I was involved in what is now known as disaster management and recovery planning together with “ crisis PR”. These  days business schools teach it , consultants  sell it and virtually every company role plays it on a regular basis. There is hardly a company board now that doesn’t have a risk committee  that demand of their company executives bulletproof evidence of both a plan and regular testing of the plan in as realistic circumstances as possible. BA was very much in the vanguard of this for unfortunately an airline disaster usually means a plane has come down with resultant injuries and deaths .

In 1981 I became Manager Portugal  and was dispatched to London as one of the first employees to attend a Crisis PR course. The man running it was a up and coming BBC interviewer and absolute pussycat one Jeremy Paxman. On day one, in the morning, I did my first interview with him. He seemed sweetness and light  and asked me what I’d like to talk about and I suggested the upcoming visit of Concorde to Lisbon. Excellent he said “I’ve flown on it, what a super aircraft, I’m a huge fan”. I relaxed and remember thinking this is a doddle I wonder what's for lunch. Just before we went to live recording he asked me if I wanted to ask him any questions about the interview before we started. No I’m really looking forward to it, I said. Okay and he turned to the camera introduced me as  BA’s man in Portugal, turned back  and said Mr Jones why on earth are you bringing an aircraft that is the noisiest, most fuel inefficient , worst   polluting, waste of British tax payers money  to one of the most  beautiful and unspoilt  capitals in Europe .

For many years I kept the video of me sitting there with a stupid expression on my face with my mouth opening and closing but nothing coming out.

His course taught me five key things,

always ask the purpose of the interview, never lie, never guess, but most importantly in a crisis be visible and keep the press updated . If you let them run the story Paxman insisted your company will suffer as they will assume you have something to hid. Certainly in my days at BA, the incident room at LHR was kept at full readiness.

 As Managing Director of Brymon Airways once a year I, with my Chief Engineer, Chief Pilot and Head of Cabin Crew turn up there for a two day simulated exercise. Once settled I would receive a call saying something like a Brymon Airways Dash 8 has crashed 6 miles short of the runway at Bristol on a flight from Paris, initial reports are of no survivors . Eye witnesses report an explosion in an engine before the plane crashed.  And so the simulated exercise would start . In the room next door actual press and TV people were gathering as they used these simulations  as a training exercise for their people in interview techniques.  In another room were 20 or 30 of our staff with scripts playing bereaved relatives. Ten minutes later I was making my first statement to the press after talking to the  relatives. When I returned to the incident room a note would  informed me there had been a problem with number 2 engine that had delayed departure from Paris and Reuters were leading with that story. For 2 days we handled all kinds of issues concerning this supposed crash  handed to us every few minutes, The crew were fatigued, the engine had a history of problems, the hold showed signs of a bomb explosion, the first officer only had 28 hours experience on that aircraft . On and on it would go.  A week afterwards I went back for an all day de-brief as to how I had managed the crisis and ways I could improve.

So what went wrong this time ? Why wasn’t the Managing Director of BA visible over the weekend, why weren’t senior managers in Terminal 5 updating passengers, listening to their complaints and why were the front line staff left as much in the dark as the passengers they were trying to deal with . In Its heyday coincidentally when I worked there faced with that kind of problem, budgets went out of the window.Spend and keep spending we were taught,

Get as many managers in the terminal to support the boys and girls taking the brunt of  it.

Quickly recognise ring leaders  amongst the passengers and get them on  any airline going to their destination at any price. Once they were gone the remaining passengers were calmer and easier to talk to.

Keep visible and keep an information flow going.

But that didn’t happen .

The best explanation  I can offer on the management issue is a lack of experience. When Jeremy Paxman said to me always remember you know more about your business than the interviewer he was reflecting that the BA mangers he was training had at least 8 years airline experience. The guy today running BA’s second most import market North America was recruited from Shredded Wheat, spent a month at head office learning the business and then took up his position. He intends, he told a friend of mine still close to BA, to do the job for a couple of years and then move on to another company. Very few managers at BA have been there longer than 3 years .

As an aside did you know it costs more to make the cardboard packet they come in than the actual shredded wheat  inside ? The guy running North America does, but does he know never to trust a ground engineer when he tells you he’ll have the problem with the engine licked in an hour or so .

I know that “or so” means you start looking for hotel rooms for the passengers as the plane ain’t going nowhere.

We have just witnessed a world-scale management cock up and Senor Cruz the head of BA needs to realise it. Instead he says “ I will make sure it doesn't happen again”  but why should customers believe  him? His disaster plan if he had one didn’t work from the start and therefore it is beholden for him and several of his key executives to fall on their swords or be fired.

So why did the supremo of  IAG Willie Walsh do nothing ? Perhaps  the rumours that he intends to join Iberia, British Airways and Aer Lingus together as a single airline under a new name thereby doing away with  British Airways and it’s flag carrier status are indeed true as otherwise surely he would be doing more to rescue this once proud  brand .

To Fly To Serve is now just a joke of a motto .

And Finally

Talking of incidents. Before I met and married Geraldine I was dating another stewardess . She was on a Trident aircraft on approach to Paris when the flight crew reported smoke in the cockpit. They declared an emergency and Paris Air traffic diverted other aircraft to allow the Trident to land immediately. Now Tridents didn’t have self inflating slides . Instead the cabin crew member selected a couple of burly looking guys and asked them to help. Their role once the aircraft stopped  and the door was opened was to shimmy down two ropes extend the slide and hold either side of it  to allow passengers to slide down. She selected two French rugby types who both said mais oui.

The aircraft landed and stopped on the runway. She threw open the door and the big Frenchmen went down the ropes. They looked back just to wave and ran as fast as they could away from the aircraft.

On On The Hash

 

 


Tales from 2807

Firstly our charity Prostate Research now has an healthy opening balance of €130 thanks to the donations yesterday so we are up and running on our goal to raise €500 in the next year.

The Epi Hash Trail Blazing Flour Company is in full production. Jim Burke is the temporary Chief Executive Officer and Chairman, Mark Foley is Snr Vice President Procurement and I am the store man as it is in my garage. We are at present producing a rather becoming lilac that goes with Jim’s new running vest though once on the ground  it might look  blue to you. To date we have had only one problem with our production line.  That was  when we used, what turned out to be, Jim’s wife Tina’s best measurer to measure out the paint powder. She seemed less that impressed to have a beautiful lilac measurer slipped back into the cupboard. We estimate 9 bottles will be required to lay an hour trail so The Trail Blazing Flour Company will provide said 18 full  milk bottles  every two weeks for the upcoming hashes. May I again just make it clear the trails we lay use the markings that we have always used other than the circle for a check with, if the hares require, an H for holding and an arrow for a change of direction in the trail. Also, please keep bringing your empty one and a half litre milk bottles to the hash each week .

The  Trail Blazing Flour Company opens up many possibilities with our ability to produce different coloured flour, not least  to mark a walking trail. I agree wholly with Ray’s comments yesterday at the On Out that walkers will only get out of the walk what they are willing to put in it and so I have asked several walkers to get me ideas on how a walking trail could be achieved and what extra effort is required by the walking hare and the two running hares on the recce and the laying days.

Once I have this I will put it to the hash as a whole. Personally, I think if people come on the hash they should expect to do a hash in the true sense of the word but let’s see how this pans out and most importantly if there is any enthusiasm for it from the walkers, who, it should be recognised now outnumber the runners on most Tuesdays.

For Your Diaries:

The Fathers Day Open Run is on Friday June 16th . Again an afternoon run at 1600 hrs  this time  around Paramali Beach. The 3 hares are Harriets to give fathers a day off. They will also lay an Open Day   walker’s trail on this day as we want  both groups to have fun on the run as the harriets will be leaving surprises for the  hashers at most checks. Hashers finding the on on and the surprise will be expected to be sporting them  on the run in to the R.V. Photos will be taken. Keo beer ,7 Up and another superb vintage trodden that morning by Nogsie and decanted into any empty bottles of wine he can find at the Erimi tip  will  be provided at the RV but BYO is very welcome too. The meal will be at Yianni’s Tavern and will feature fillet steak. Jim Burke is in intense Brexit style negotiation with Yianni (who has put his prices up to reflect not an increase in meat but his popularity) and we will have a price for you by Thursday or indeed a change of venue if Jim is faced with Yianni’s Hard Brexit ( the mind boggles) with the home of the hash young  George at Fama G eagerly waiting in the wings .

And so to the true story today,

We all know the characteristics of a German, he obeys rules, respects authority, follows orders to the letter  and most heinous of all puts towels on pool bed chairs late at night to prevent upstanding  Brits from enjoying the sun the next day.

Now I’m going to ask for some audience participation during this story guys so I want you to imagine yourselves archetypal   German Prussians , which will definitely not be too difficult for some of you I suspect.

Now in your best German accents repeat this phrase “ Ich Werde mein Kapitain” I will captain, so  again “ Ich Werde Mein Kapitain”

Now when you say it click your heels together “ Ich Werde Mein Kapitain “  

Hey, zie sprechen vie Deutsche zehr Gut Herren

Okay back to the story

One man was to manipulate those German characteristics to his own advantage with amazing results. His name was Wilhelm Voigt who lived in Kopenick in the State of Prussia. Voigt lived in a real life Catch22 situation ;  without military service which he skipped he couldn't obtain an  I.D. card and without I.D.  he couldn't work . He had spent most of his life being jailed for trying to steal I.D. cards . However during his last 8 year sentence the governor, an avid amateur  military strategist,  had taught his prisoners to drill and march so they could  re-enact  battles that Prussia had won. Voigt was a keen and attentive pupil.

On his release in 1906 he went to the local secondhand store  to buy some  clothes. But there he found a Captains uniform of the Imperial German Army which in one of those quirks of life had been left there by servants of the new mayor  of the town who had a few months before retired from the army. More of him later. Voigt bought the old uniform and leaving his very tatty clothes at the shop wore it home. He realised that he was immediately respected. People stepped off pavements to allow him to pass, soldiers smartly saluted him, he was waived  to the front of queues and civilians immediately stood up on the bus to let him sit. So with this in mind,  in his rented room that night, he concocted a plan to solve his lifelong  problem. He would commandeer some troops go to The Town Hall  take the mayor hostage and make him give him  a passport so he could go to Luxembourg where he had relatives.

The next morning back in his uniform he found a troop of 10 men being marched to barracks by a sergeant . He ordered them to halt, strutted up to them and told the quaking sergeant he was taking the men on a special mission and that he was to return to barracks .The sergeant replied ( here we go guys) ” Ich werde mein Kapitain” Next he went to the Post Office and ordered the telephonist to cancel all in coming and out going calls to the Town Hall. “ Ich werde mein Kapitain” On to the police station where he ordered the police chief to withdraw all police patrolling  within a mile around the Town Hall “ Ich werde mein Kapitain” Then to the Town Hall where he ordered 6 of his men to guard each exit no one in or out. “ ich werde mein Kapitain “. Finally he marched into the Mayor’s office and demanded he give him a passport  “ Ich werde Mein Kapitain”, except added the mayor the passports aren’t issued here anymore they are issued in Berlin ! Unfazed Voigt ordered him to open the Treasury “ Ich werde mein Kapitain” and Voigt helped himself to 4,000 Deutsch Marks equivalent to £30,000 today. Alone he marched out of the Town Hall after ordering his men to hold the it for an hour went to the railway station and disappeared. 10 days later he was arrested at another railway station but by then he was a sensation. Even most Germans and certainly the rest of Europe laughed at the idea that a fake in a uniform could run circles around the Prussians. Money was raised for the finest defence lawyer and Voigt received just a 2 years sentence

In fact  Kaiser Wilhelm ll who was as we know one kraut short of a Sauer thought that Voigt had illustrated the power and might of Prussian militarism rather than, as all others did, make it look a laughing stock  released him. This was of course the same screw loose Kaiser that led Germany into the slaughter that was the First World War. Voigt came out of prison a media star, he sold his life story to several newspapers, appeared on stage to sell out crowds in his Captain’s uniform and was hired by Barnham and Bailly circus to tour Europe, the UK and the USA. He made lots of money got his passport and retired in 1913 to Luxembourg. A year later Germany invaded and in a final twist he was detained for a week by German troops who finding his uniform seemingly hidden in the loft thought he was a real German officer who had deserted.

And Finally

 a phrase that has moved easily from The Royal Navy to everyday usage .

To chew the fat. This means to gossip or to have a friendly chit chat or a bit of a grumble. Just like the R.V. of this hash really.

On Royal Naval  warships hands were allowed to chose who they messed with ( six men being the usual number). While seated and chewing through their perhaps rather fatty food they would share gossip , news or more often than not just grumble. Sailors are notoriously fussy about their food the longer the voyage goes on and in the days of sail with no refrigeration the salt beef required more and more chewing to make it swallowable as did the grumbling and the gossip.

So To Chew the fat

and on that bombshell

On On The Hash

 

 

 

TALES FROM 2806

Welcome to the first Sundowners run.

That music by Zac Brown is the new Sundowners Club Anthem and the chorus says everything I feel about sundowners:

Got my toes in the water

Ass in the sand

Not a worry in the world

Cold beer in my hand

Life was good today

Life was good today

 

 

The Epi Hash Sundowners Club  is based entirely on feedback from hashers and more importantly their better halves. The runs will be on days that do not clash with the other two Hashes so people that attend those needn’t miss these open days. They are later in the day to enjoy the cooler temperatures rather than running and walking at mid-day, they are BYO to reflect the fact that ,wash my mouth out, not everyone on the hash open days wants to drink Keo or wine and they are catered because many wives told me they were fed up with preparing vast quantities of food and lugging it to the beach, finding that everyone had bought too much food and so lugging most of it back and throwing it away. You guys don’t take your own food on a Tuesday they said so why can’t we enjoy the meals you do. Let the bastard spend some money on me for a change. It says here pause for cheers from the girls to die down !! So I do hope you enjoy this new format.

There are three definitions of the word Sundowner .

The first is from New Zealand and is used to describe a lazy sheepdog who lets the other dogs do the work waiting only for sundown when he can get some food and shut eye.

The second is Australian and indeed we all have had experience of a Sundowner ourselves I would think. In OZ a Sundowner is someone who delays a visit to your house until sundown in the hope of getting a drink from you or better still an invitation to stay for supper. You know the type that turns up at the door a 6 p.m. clutching the two tea bags you gave him a week ago. Just thought I’d return this he says after he is over the threshold and you hear yourself saying would you like a drink ? That’s kind he says and before you know it he is settled in your own  comfortable armchair swilling down your booze.  Oh yes we have all known  a Sundowner .

The final definition is South African and is the one we are celebrating today a drink as the sun goes down often taken in pleasant and pleasing company, like today.

Sundowner  is also a great name for a boat and one of the most famous boats bearing the name Sundowner  was owned by Charles Lightoller . Those of you that have seen the film Titanic and  who hasn’t ? will recognise the name for he was the Second Officer on board the Titanic on that fateful night of April 14th 1912. Indeed Lightoller was the hero that night taking charge of getting lifeboats away, shouting women and children only, whilst ordering men out of lifeboats at the point of his unloaded pistol. He was one of the last to leap from Titanic as she started her final dive, helped 20 others clamber on board an up turned lifeboat, had them paddle to one of the few lifeboats that returned to search for survivors and  then kept his group of 79 survivors singing all night in the lifeboat to keep them awake on that freezing cold night. He was the last survivor to board the Carpathia . Quite a guy. Charles Lightoller purchase a 58 foot motor yacht which he christened Sundowner in 1929 and he and his family used her for family holidays sailing around Britain and the continent.

 During the First World war Lightoller had served with distinction in The Royal Navy, winning a DSO for shooting down a Zepplin airship and a bar to that medal for sinking a German U boat.

In the early summer of 1939 t  Royal Naval Intelligence asked him to take Sundowner to survey the coast of Germany which he and his wife did under the guise of an elderly couple on holiday on their yacht. They photographed the major German harbour and coastal defences and gave their so called holiday snaps to a grateful Royal Navy. Then on this very day in 1940 the Admiralty asked Lightoller to take Sundowner to Ramsgate with about 120 other little boats. They were to help in the evacuation of The British Expeditionary Force from Dunkirk .

The 66 year old Lightoller, accompanied by his eldest son Roger and an 18 year old Sea-Scout , took the Sundowner and sailed for Dunkirk and the trapped British Expeditionary Force. Although the Sundowner had never carried more than 21 persons before, they succeeded in plucking 130 men from the beach at Dunkirk  and brought the crowded motor yacht home safely despite being attacked twice by enemy aircraft.  There was much chat on board the little boat once the Army guys realised the Skipper had been on the Titanic with several joking they should get off and take their chances back on the beach. Had they known that Lightoller had also had to take to the lifeboats when his ship HMS Oceanic sank in 1914 and again in 1918  when his command HMS Falcon was sunk at the very hour on the very same day  that Titanic had sunk 6 years earlier, they might not have sailed with such a  Jonah !! Lightoller set sail  to return to Dunkirk but the Navy  stopped him as the town was about to fall into German hands.

He was recruited back into The Royal Navy with Sundowner as part of The Small Ships Squadron looking after coastal defence was mentioned in dispatches for rescuing a downed RAF crew in the North Sea and retired finally from the Navy in 1945 at the ripe old age of 71. He died peacefully in his bed in 1952. What an amazing  life. If your ever in Ramsgate, Sundowner is now in the Harbour there as part of  the Little Ships Museum . With 50 other members of the Association of Dunkirk little ships Sundowner is returning to Dunkirk in 2020 for the 80th anniversary of Operation Dynamo with the hobnail boot marks of the troops she saved still  on her decking.

And Finally a few fun cabin crew announcements from across the pond in the USA

A Southwest Airlines plane has arrived at the gate in Miami

“Folks it has been great having you flying with us today. But just like my Dad said to me the day I turned 18: it’s now time to grab your bags and get out.”

On another Southwest flight

“Ladies and gentlemen  have begun our descent. If Chicago is not your planned destination for today, it soon will be.”

and just after the doors closed on departure

“We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry working for Southwest. Unfortunately none of them are on this flight.”

 

On On the Hash

 

THE TALE FROM 2805

Today’s Run

Web Site Info :The directions were “ Run this week will be at the Pheasant Farm. Signs from the B6, follow track over Highway and then hang a left”. Please gentlemen ask yourself if a visiting hasher from abroad or a possible wannabe hasher could ever have found the RV. Indeed I asked our newest member last night and he quite understandably hadn’t an idea where the hell he was supposed to go.  

RV Itself :Windswept,Screw Grass but good views and can see Motorway.

Things for the good of the Hash?

I have  a few :

Tom McSherry phoned me to say he is on the mend. For those of you that don’t know he has had two falls whilst running. One caused by a truck almost running him down and the second after stepping on a stone. He received treatment at the hospital and the Doctor ,who couldn’t believe anyone of 77 was still running has put him off all but light exercise for at least 6 weeks. Tom hopes to be back after that .

Big Weekend for sport fans. Congrats to Scotland for winning the London 7’s beating a good England team 12-7. England however were runners up to South Africa in the overall 10 series final standing . Liverpool have Champions League football next season and George the ex On Pres asked me to mention Newcastle are back in the Premiership and Trevor asked me not to mention that Sunderland have replaced them in the Championship. Finally congrats to Mumbai Indians who won the Indian Premier League Cricket final by one run in an amazingly exciting game .

Trail blazing. We can source the flour and indeed Tony Flower reckons he can get it on the cheap and it comes with weevils as an added bonus. I gave coloured powder to the hares for this weeks run but unfortunately it wasn’t used. Still we have, can get that and will trial colours on Monday. We have plenty of milk bottles and even a crate . We now need a Hash Mash. It’s probably 45 mins work once every two weeks. Who will help the hash ? ( Says here pause while people look embarrassed stare at their feet shuffle a bit and focus on what's in their mugs. ) Are we happy for the hares to do it each week then until I find someone ? If so.. Jim quick lesson in making the stuff.

The On Pres charity for this year is for Prostate Research. I chose it because we are a gentlemen only hash and prostate cancer is a gentlemen only problem so it makes sense. I plan a series of collections and hope that over this 50th year we hashers will be able to make a fair donation to this important research. If like me you are worried about charities these days with their political agenda and huge admin costs , this one got a thumbs up from David Craig in his informative book The Great Charity Scandal.

The Sundowners Run which is a free run will be the first opportunity for attendees to contribute something for the charity. and talking of the Sundowner Run if you have tropical shirts,  straw hats etc please wear then after the run and ladies might want to wear tropical island rig too.

Yet more important information to hashers , I am indebted to THE DEBRETT’S & TATLER SCHOOL OF ETIQUETTE for the following rules on Urinal Usage

1. Thou shalt not use thy smartphone  There’s a growing trend, sadly, for slashing young men to hold their iPhallus in one hand and their iPhone in the other. Such posturing or “multi-tasking” shows a lack of class. It’s also probably unhygienic.

2. Thou shalt adhere to positioning protocol.  If you’re first to a row of urinals, choose the one furthest from the door. If you’re second in, choose the opposite end. If you’re third in, choose the middle. Try to leave at least one urinal’s gap between users.

3. Thou shalt not provide musical accompaniment.  That means no singing, humming or whistling, which is the behaviour of nervous weirdos or David Brent types. Attention-seeking when one’s penis is out of one's trousers is unacceptable. Unless… well, you know.

4. Thou shalt not maketh smalltalk.  A nod or an “alright?” is just about OK . Extended chit-chat is not OK especially if it is to make fun of the On Pres’s crit whilst  at the Chop. Or worse the On Pres’s ….well let’s not go there.

5. Thou shalt not go hands-free.  Two-handed is industry standard. One-handed will be tolerated. No-handed is the province of schoolboys pretending they’re an elephant or putting their hands on their hips and fantasising that they’re some sort of wazzing superhero. Fine and fun at home, definitely not in public.

5 More Next Week.

"There seems to be something wrong with our bloody ships today," said Admiral Beatty as he watched three of his battlecruisers blow up one by one at the Battle of Jutland. The words were classic British understatement, but 3,000 dead sailors were ample evidence that something was indeed wrong with the vessels that were neither battleships nor cruisers.

But for the cause we have to go back,  to Nelson . Now Nelson was a superb Commander but the real advantage he had over the French and Spanish fleets was the speed with which British gunners could fire their  cannon, in many cases three cannon shots to just one in reply from the enemy.  From 1805 onwards the Royal Navy was dominated by a mindset that emphasised rapidity of fire. Vice Admiral Stanley Colville, at the Battle of Jutland instructed that, "rapid and sustained fire...is essential. The danger of the charges being ignited is to be disregarded.” To manage rapid fire the door on Battlecruisers between the turret and the magazine was kept open and propellant charges were also stacked in the the turret rather than have firing delayed while  they were  carried in after each salvo . However to achieve the 32 knots also required by a Battlecruiser, the armour on the turrets was light.” Speed is armour” said First Sea Lord Jackie Fisher  as justification. This rapidity of fire continued as a naval tactic into the Second World War.

On May 22nd 1941  the mighty German Battleship  Bismarck and the heavy cruiser Prince Eugene slipped their moorings and sailed north intending to pass through the Denmark Strait and out into the Atlantic to attack convoys bringing vital supplies to Britain. In their way, patrolling the Strait, were the cruisers Norfolk and Suffolk the battleship Prince of Wales and the Battlecruiser H.M.S. Hood . At 42000 tonne HMS Hood was a very large capital ship, the longest built for the Navy and only surpassed  by the Queen Elizabeth aircraft carrier in 2014.  For close to two decades, the “Mighty Hood” was the world’s largest, fastest, and most famous warship. It was known as the Pride of the British navy. However by 1939 she was long in the tooth and due a massive refit to include much more armour . However this had been postponed with the onset of war.  At 5.55 a.m. on May 24th The British ships were 14 miles from  the German ships when Bismarck opened fire. Salvos of massive 15 inch shells, which weighed 2,000 lbs travelled at 2,500 feet per second and had a range of 19 miles, were exchanged and the sound of shellfire was easy heard by the residents  in Reykjarvik ,258 kms away . They thought it was a huge thunderstorm .  After just 3 minutes of battle at 05.58  a shell from the 5th salvo fired  from Bismarck penetrated the aft turret on the Hood and just like the ones at Jutland the battlecruiser blew herself apart sinking in less than 4 minutes. 1,415 men perished and just three survived. The Board of Enquiry found that the probable cause was a shell entering the magazine , probably aided by  an open door  from the turret which was common practise in combat.  This was confirmed years later when the wreck of the Hood was discovered in 2001.  Three days later on May 27th Bismarck was sunk  by the battleship King George V after being crippled by aircraft flown from the aircraft carrier Ark Royal the night before. 2,000 German seaman lost their lives.

 As an aside when I joined The Nautical College Pangbourne at 13, my seat in the chapel on Sundays was for a time alongside a plaque put there by the family of Nigel Norrington Adams R.N.R. who was at Pangbourne 1936-40 and as an Acting Midshipman went down with the Hood aged 18 years 1 month.

Bismarck’s war had lasted just 5 days and The Tirpitz only fired a few salvoes in anger   in her entire war before being sunk by 617 and 9 Squadron Lancasters in November 1944.  It is interesting to ponder that had Hitler backed Admiral Dontiz instead of Admiral Raeder and for the same cost built 100 more submarines instead of the Tirpitz and Bismarck the course of the war could have been very different. It is more than likely that by 1941 the extra U boats would have bought Britain to it’s knees and possibly suing for peace.

and finally

Most quotes I do on amusing cabin crew announcements come from the USA so I’m delighted to report that humour is alive and well  in the UK and I actually heard this on my British Airways flight last week.

The ground power unit had failed at Gatwick so the aircraft was getting very hot as  we all waited on board  to taxi out. The captain came on and apologised for the heat and advised that once he had clearance to start the engines the internal APU would kick in and start to cool the cabin. After a few more minutes  the engines started and a stewardess asked passengers to check that their air vents were open to allow the cool air to flow. As passengers started to raise their arms to check if theirs was open, a crew member at the back said on the intercom  “will all passengers that had it last night kindly raise their hands “.

On On the Hash.

 

THE TALE FROM 2804

 

I was sorry to miss Peter’s Crit last week on Buggery having spent my youth at an all boys  Public  School , that’s where us posh people go to school Trevor !!, 

So welcome to The Dambusters Run

The Hares Today on Run 2804

Barney Bruce:  Runs: 569      Hares:70      Av:8

Jim Adair: Runs:361       Hares:33      Av: 11

Laurie Mitchell: Runs: 723       Hares: 86     Av.8

Number of runners: 21

Returning Hashers: Ray Bolger, Stu Law

Guests:Alan Harrison, Paul Maynard Jeff Bryant

A few RAF stories for the Dambusters Run :

How can you tell if someone is ex RAF.  Don’t worry it’s the first thing he’ll tell you.

The Queen is inspecting 3 armed forces personnel, 1 from each of her fighting forces.She asks each one what they would do if they woke up and found a deadly camel spider in their tent on operations?The squaddie says, “I’d reach over, grab my bayonet and stab it to death!” The matelot says, “I’d reach over, grab my boot and batter it to death !” The airman says, “I’d reach over, pick up my phone, call reception and ask……..Who the hell has put a tent up in my hotel suite?”

A new Club for ex Servicemen has opened in Central London. It is owned by an ex Royal Naval Petty Officer who won £46 million on the lottery and is using the money to subsidise the drinks. An retired Army guy walks in and orders a pint of bitter.  “That will be £1 please” says the owner. “ Wow that’s fantastically cheap for the middle of London”  says the Army guy. “Tell me who are those two fellows down at the other end of the bar who are not drinking ?” “ Oh “ says the owner “ that’s Barney Bruce and Jim Adair,  retired RAF types . They’re waiting for Happy Hour .”

Things for the good of the Hash?

On Monday May 29th we have the first Sundowners Run. Meet at 1530 hrs and run at 1600 hrs BYO booze and nibbles then a meal at Melanda Beach Bar three fishy choices for the knockdown price of €12. We have 41  coming but if any of you are still in the undecided club please come along and have a fun evening under the stars then run off the hangover the next day like true hashers.

I  will this week source for next week's run and find the paint dye to get the colour that we the Epi hash will . Could I ask that next week you all bring empty milk bottles to the Hash so we can get a good supply . Until  we appoint a Hash Mash ( mashing the flour and the water with the paint dye ) the hares will source flour and mix it with the paint dyed water. It is not an onerous task the run today used just 6 bottles of liquid.

My thanks to Simon Carroll for this next news snippet which continues to show how right we are on The Epi Hash to enjoy a few beers .

Running and walking can cause muscle and joint pain especially in, shall we say, slightly older participants and the normal cure is to take a couple of pain relief tablets. How wrong we were !  A study, led by Dr. Trevor Thompson from the University of Greenwich, and published in The Medical  Journal of Pain, not, I hasten to add, to be confused with the magazine Masochists Anonymous which I know is essential reading for some members of the Hash. You know who you are ! Anyway Dr. Thompson has found that raising your blood alcohol content to the legal limit of .08%, which relates to about 4/5 beers , elevates your pain threshold significantly. This was according to a meta-analysis of 18 different studies looking at the effect of different dosages of beer on subject pain response.Based on the research, Thompson says beer  was actually shown to be more powerful than paracetamol, or any other pain reliever . So Hashers charge your glasses again if you have any nagging twinges or aches or indeed just charge them to ward off future pain.

 

Next Week’s run : Pheasant Farm

 

Hares:  Nick Smith , David Marks and Roger Smith

Chop: Hani

The story of The Dambusters is very well known and most of us will have seen the film of the same name made in 1953 . So many of the royal family wanted to attend the opening that it is still the only film ever to have had 2 royal premiers on successive nights. Amazingly the bouncing bomb was still on the top secret list in 1953.   The bombs shown in what was the original footage of the bomb test drops by a Wellington bomber during the film were altered from cylindrical to round by the Air Ministry lest the Russians copied them . And Barnes Wallis who invented the bouncing bomb also designed the Wellington bomber.

Micky Martin who later was posted to Cyprus for 3 years running the RAF Near East operation and in fact only missed running on the first ever Epi hash run by a month    flew on the raid. He had renamed his P for Peter call sign on his Lancaster to P for Popsie.  RAF slang for a pretty girl .

Other RAF slang expressions entered normal conversation at the end of the war. Gone for a Burton for example which means to go missing or to die. The expression possibly came from the Royal Navy and transferred over when the Royal Naval Air Service merged with the Army Royal Flying Corp to become the RAF in 1918. A Burton related to a Spanish Burton a very complicated system of block and tackle for lifting heavy objects in  17th Century ships . If a deckhand was missing he was probably still trying to figure out how to put it together. More likely it related to a series of advertisements run by the Burton brewing company just before the war showing groups of people with one person clearly missing. In the next picture  he was seen drinking a bottle of Burton beer in a pub with the tag Gone for a Burton. It is not, as many believe, related to Burton the tailors who made the demob suits for ex servicemen at the end of the war. The suits consisted of a jacket, trousers and a waistcoat. Burtons at the time were known by its full name of Montague Burton and the demob suit became know as The Full Monty which also entered everyday usage.

inally it is worth remembering the extraordinary losses experienced by Bomber Command of the 125,000 aircrew that went to war 45% were killed a death rate that surpassed any of the other services in either world war. The average age of the aircrew was just 20 years old.

 

On On the Hash

 

 

THE TALE FROM 2803

Margaret Clap better known as Mother or Maggie Clap, ran a coffee house from 1724 to 1726 in HolbornMiddlesex, a short distance from the City of London. Notable for running a molly house, an inn or tavern primarily frequented by homosexual men, she was also heavily involved in the ensuing legal battles after her premises were raided and shut down. While not much is known about her life, she was an important part of the gay subculture of early 18th-century England. At the time sodomy in England was a crime under the Buggery Act 1533, punishable by a fine, imprisonment, or the death penalty. Despite this, particularly in larger cities, private homosexual activity took place. To service these actions there existed locations where men from all classes could find partners or just socialize, called molly houses, "molly" being slang for a gay man at the time. One of the most famous of these was Maggies molly house.

Maggie Clap ran a coffee house that served as a molly house for the underground homosexual community. Her house was popular during the two years of its existence, being well known within the homosexual community. She cared for her customers, and catered especially to the homosexual men who frequented it. She was known to have provided "beds in every room of the house" and commonly had "thirty or forty of such Kind of Chaps every Night, but more especially on Sunday Nights." Maggie was present during the vast majority of the molly house's operational hours, apparently only leaving to run across the street to a local tavern, to buy drinks for her customers. Because Clap had to leave the premises to retrieve alcohol to serve to her customers, it is likely that the molly house was hosted in her own private residence. Unlike other molly houses, it was not a brothel. Clap's intentions may have been based more upon pleasure than profit, judging by her goodwill towards her customers. For example, one man lodged at her house for two years and she later provided false testimony to get a man acquitted of sodomy charges. Her actions during the charges later laid against her and many of the homosexual community showed her loyalty to her customers.

In February 1726, Margaret Clap's molly house was raided by the police; around 40 of its occupants were arrested. Primarily targeted by the Society for the Reformation of Manners, the house had been under surveillance for two years. The surveillance seems to have been instigated by a collection of vengeful mollies-turned-informants. A man named Mark Patridge was outed by his lover and was then turned as an informant for the police. He led policemen into molly houses, introducing each of them as his "husband" so that they could investigate more thoroughly. Patridge was not tried in court for sodomy. Another notable informant was Thomas Newton, who frequently used entrapment to allow constables to arrest men in the act of instigating sodomy. Of the 40 arrested 35 received lengthy prison terms and 5 were hanged at Tyburn.

 

 

 THE TALE FROM 2802

Anything for the good of the Hash?

Firstly Run 2804 on May 16th . On May16th 1943 19 Lancasters took off from RAF Scampton in Lincolnshire to bomb three dams in the Ruhr Valley . The crews of those aircraft became known as The Dambusters. So the May 16th run is now the Dambusters Run. We shall have some fun on the run with this theme and again in the evening  at the Chop.

On May 29th we have the first Sundowners Run. My idea is a simple one, hashers and their friends and family meet up, take some exercise , have a few cocktails, watch the sun start to set and then head off for a meal or have it catered at the beach. Details are on the website and we need numbers saspo as Makis will open his restaurant for us and serve a fish supper if there are sufficient people . I will send an e mail out tomorrow and please reply to it.

When I became On Pres I asked what we gave the outgoing On Pres. who has served the Hash for a year or more. Nothing I was told . Well I have changed that and am delighted on behalf of you all to give this small token of our thanks to George for his 14 months as On Pres . He stepped up when no one else would take the job and has kept us royally entertained with his jokes each week as well as running the Hash. George

Now here is something of essential interest to Epi hashers.

Dr. Ron Maughan is visiting Professor at St. Andrews Uni and has completed a paper on the most  effective rehydration after exercise. For years it has been known that exercise in the heat  means the runner or walker will lose 2-3litres of body fluid an hour. To replace it is essential and the recommendation has always been water  . Ron’s research, however, concludes that this merely stimulates urine production and so little fluid is replaced. He instead tested drinks that contained sodium and potassium to slow urine loss and increase rehydration. His final recommendation gentlemen of the hash is, after 45-60 mins of exercise, to drink  at least 2 pints of lager style beer with at least 2 large handfuls of well salted nuts. I have E mailed Dr. Ron and invited him to be the honorary Doctor of Rehydration to the Epi hash. Would Peter Hogg also kindly tell the lady on The Happy Valley Hash who complained about Epi Hashers drinking too much beer on their hash that we got it right. 

As the rest of this Crit has taken sometime and I am determined to keep them short so I and of course you can enjoy more beer time. So I am skipping my true story this week as it was a long one, not tall  long. Instead I will use the second string to my bow and talk about words and expressions that have come from the Navy and now are in everyday usage.

 

The word today is hijack , to have someone else take control by use of force. With my airline hat on whilst aircraft hijacking started in 1960, the 1976 hijacking of an Air France jet to Entebbe set the tone for 2 decades of hijacks that culminated in the events of 9/11 . Where does the word come from ? Well, sailors on shore leave in American ports would be looking for ladies of the night after months at sea.  Said ladies would hail them from their upstairs window leaning out to show their wares and calling out the nickname for sailors Hi Jack, Jack Tar. Up the stairs he would eagerly go and on the darkened landing would be whacked on the head, relieved of his pay and  sold  on to another ship in need of extra hands.  He had been well and truly  hijacked .        

And Finally

Next week we will test laying a trail with dyed flour under the tutelage of Jim Burke who will provide a brief demonstration at the start of the run. But don’t worry everything stays the same guys, no fish hooks, no Geordie squares none of the strange signs from the other hashes just our style trail with flour instead of trash. Dyed flour is simple to make, easier to lay, disappears in days not years ,and as importantly  isn’t a blight on the landscape . However the big reason for the switch is that shredder technology has long ago  moved past us. The new machines, one of which we would now need to buy, reduce paper to confetti not trash, so the move is also inevitable.

On On!

 

 

 

 

THE TALE FROM 2081

63rd (Royal Naval) Division and Major General Cameron Shute

The General inspecting the trenches
Exclaimed with a horrified shout
"I refuse to command a division
Which leaves its excreta about".

But nobody took any notice
No one was prepared to refute,
That the presence of shit was congenial
Compared to the presence of Shute.

And certain responsible critics
                                   Made haste to reply to his words
                                   Observing that his staff advisors
                                   Consisted entirely of turds.

                                   For shit may be shot at odd corners
                                   And paper supplied there to suit,
                                   But a shit would be shot without mourners
                                   If somebody shot that shit Shute

 

 

 


 

 

 

 

THE TALE FROM 2800

This true story today dates back to 1910 when the British Royal Navy really did rule the waves and HMS Dreadnought was the most powerful ship afloat. However, she, her officers and crew and indeed the whole Royal Navy was soon to be reduced to a laughing stock by one man and a few of his friends.

He was Herbert De Vere Cole an inveterate prankster from his Cambridge University days.

 He and a few friends decided to have some fun with the Navy and Cole organised for an accomplice to send a telegram to HMS Dreadnought which was then moored in Portland Harbour.  The message said that the ship must be immediately  prepared for the visit of a group including The  Prince of Abyssinia one Prince Musaka and was purportedly signed by Foreign Office Under-secretary Sir Charles Harding.  Cole with his entourage then went to London's Paddington station where Cole claimed that he was "Herbert Chumlee" of the Foreign Office and demanded a special carriage to Weymouth; the stationmaster faced with a foreign office official and a group of foreigners in  flowing robes  arranged a VIP coach to be added post haste to the train to Weymouth  .

On the train De Vere Cole changed into his disguise as The Prince of Abyssinia and so, on  February 7, 1910 the Prince Musaka  and his entourage were received with full ceremonial pomp on the deck of the H.M.S. Dreadnought. The Abyssinian party acknowledged the greeting with bows as they shuffled onto the ship, and for the next forty minutes the Commander gave them a full guided tour of the vessel. The Abyssinians paused at each new marvel while murmuring the appreciative phrase "Bunga, Bunga!" in their supposed native tongue.  After bestowing fake Abyssinian medals on many of the ships officers, the royal visitors departed as "God Save the King!" played in the background.

The next day the Navy was mortified to learn that the party they had escorted around the warship had not been Abyssinian dignitaries at all. Instead it had been a group of young,  pranksters. .

By February 12 the British newspapers were full of the story of the stunt. "Bunga Bungle!"  trumpeted the National press. For a few days the Navy was the laughingstock of Britain. Sailors were greeted with cries of "Bunga, Bunga" wherever they went. The Times newspaper even suggested that the Navy should change the name of Dreadnought  to the Abyssinian.  Humiliated and furious, the Navy sent the warship out to sea until the episode blew over. It wanted to bring formal charges against the pranksters, but dropped the idea for fear that it would simply attract more publicity to the case.

In 1915 Dreadnought became the only Battleship ever to sink an enemy submarine. One of the congratulatory  telegrams received on board read Bunga Bunga signed Prince Musaka .